BEHIND A MAN'S WORDS....(THE BUSTLINE COLUMN)

YOUR FAMOUS BUSTLINE COLUMN....reaching you since 1989

BEHIND A MAN'S WORDS....

Do you really know what a man is thinking? Do you know exactly what goes on in his mind? If he says anything, do you know what it means? Can you read between the lines when a man  speaks to you? What exactly is he saying? Do you know? I feel you need to be taken behind the scenes in the mind of a man. Do you realise that not seeing beyond your nose could keep you trapped in misunderstanding and unfulfilling relationships with men?  If you pay careful attention to what I'm about to share with you, you're going to start having more success with men right away, whether you're single and looking for that right guy... or you're in a relationship and you'd like to start connecting on a deeper level.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT MEN SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: Have you ever heard a man say something like: "I'm not ready for a serious relationship. "Or how about this one - "I want my freedom." If you've been close in a relationship with a man and he pulled away, then of course you've heard this before. Men say this stuff all the time. Do you know what a man "really" means when he says these things?  And, do you know WHAT TO DO that can instantly change a man's predictable behavior of WITHDRAWAL or RESISTANCE. If not, then it's time you stopped listening to what a man will SAY TO YOU about himself and his feelings... and start paying attention to what's going on inside his heart and mind. When I hear men say, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", I know that there is something more to it than  just a man who does not want a relationship with a woman. In fact, I found that most of the men who say this quickly end up in relationships with OTHER WOMEN soon after.

Men I knew well would be telling women they had been dating or in a relationship with, that they weren't ready for all that came with a "real" relationship..But what did they do as soon as they were single again? They would start meeting new women, go on dates, and once they found a woman they liked and were very attracted to, they'd spend most of their time with this one woman. And they would do something else...They'd stop dating any other women they might have met and move into another relationship, even though they had just ended a relationship with another woman they felt strongly for because they didn't want a "serious relationship".

It almost didn't make sense when I first started to recognize this pattern. But keep in mind, even though these things don't always make sense to women, they make PERFECT sense to the men going through them. Does this situation with men ever frustrate you or leave you feeling like men have NO CLUE what they're doing? Here's the problem...When a man says one of these things, he actually MEANS something that is different from what a woman would mean if she said the same words. Let me explain. If a woman says, "I'm going to stay home and relax today", she probably means that she's going to stay home, make sure that her house and life is in order, catch up on chores and bills, and then maybe watch some shows on tv. If a MAN says that he's going to stay home and relax, he's probably going to watch some sports, drink beer, look at pictures of women on the internet, and order take away food. 

Men are DIFFERENT from women. And the words they use often don't mean what they SOUND like they mean. So, the FIRST thing that you have to get through your head is that just because a man SAYS something to you, it doesn't always mean what you THINK it means. Catch my meaning? THE BIG SECRET HE ISN'T TELLING YOU:  There's a secret that men never happen to mention about what they want with a woman, why they date, and what it means for them to have a relationship. Unfortunately, for the good women who are trying to create a great relationship with a man... and hoping that if they try hard enough to make him happy with them so he'll stay... this little secret is causing a LOT of pain and frustration. The SECRET is that most men DO want a relationship with an amazing woman. BUT... (and this is an important insight - it might take you a few hours, days, or even weeks to start to understand it ) Men only want a relationship with a woman who already has about 100 other qualities that they never mention and could probably never list or describe even if they were asked to. And they'll only end up emotionally involved and not RESISTING a long term relationship if they experience for themselves a woman who proves she has these qualities over time. In other words, if a man says, "I need to be alone right now", what he REALLY means is: I want a woman who will make me FEEL better when I'm with her than I do in my everyday life as a single man.

The REALITY is that when a man says one of these "I want my freedom" statements, he actually has an IDEAL woman in mind who understands who he is and won't make it feel like "work" when he's with her.

A man wants a woman who knows how to have and enjoy a relationship... instead of one who spends her time and energy trying to analyze, worry, and "fix" things. The reality of this situation is that what a man REALLY wants is a woman who makes him feel MORE of the EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response I like to call ATTRACTION... and LESS of the worry and confusion that men don't often like, or know how to deal with, what comes from "working" on a serious relationship. For most men, feeling and sharing attraction on a physical and emotional level IS the defintion of a good relationship. Of course, I'm not just talking about the common "short term" kind of attraction that's mostly physical...You already know that a relationship takes a whole lot more than just this kind of thing to really work and LAST. I'm also talking about the more "long term" kind of attraction that comes from a deeper EMOTIONAL connection and understanding.

A man wants a woman who makes him FEEL great, both when he's with her... AND when he's alone. In other words, they want a woman who knows how to be loving and affectionate, but independent at the same time. But most men either can't describe the things that actually make them feel this kind of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with a woman, or they don't WANT to have to describe it to a woman, because they want a woman who already IS those things... without having to learn them. Think about it. If you were hiring a bodyguard, would you want one that said, "Yeah, I can be a bodyguard. Just give me some time to learn..." or would you want one that already KNEW how to protect and defend at anytime, anywhere without having to "learn"  The same goes with men. They don't WANT a woman they have to train. The last thing a man wants to do, is to take a woman who DOESN'T "naturally" understand these things, and show her what they are and how they work. If you don't already know how to relate to a man in a way that appeals to him and shows him that you "get" all these things, then no amount of "talking things through" or trying to improve things together is going to help you or make him start seeing you as the woman he wants to stay with.

WHAT IS A "COOL GIRL"? Lately I've been thinking a lot about the idea of a "Cool Girl". You hear most men using the term, and some women. Men everywhere, without ever having talked to each other, share a common idea about women and use the term "Cool Girl" universally. In some places the actual words are different, but the idea is the same. But what does it actually MEAN? And is it important that men all have this common belief about women? At this point, I believe that a COOL GIRL is this "ideal" that men imagine when they're saying "I want my freedom". They're thinking of the COOL GIRL, and then they're imagining themselves with a woman who is this way.There are a lot of aspects to this COOL GIRL. Here are a few that are important: - Lack of Insecurities - Easygoing - Humor - Unpredictability -Independent - Emotionally "balanced"...and the list goes on. It's actually not easy to describe a COOL GIRL in a few sentences... but the truth is that a man can recognize one INSTANTLY.

If you wanted to get closer to a man, have him see you as a great person, develop a strong connection, and get him to "open up" with you, then it would make sense to do and say the things that you know work to create more love and affection.  A man might quickly be drawn in by a woman who did these things (not for all the right reasons, of course), but that doesn't mean he should be trying them with a woman if he wants any kind of success. In other words, the things that work FOR YOU as a woman are NOT what work for a MAN. If you bear this in mind, then your secure relationship is guaranteed! And, that of course is if you allow it work!